Struggle is Life's Teacher

Like many people, I have found myself in the position of caring for an aging parent. The first few years of running errands and not having support from siblings wasn’t so bad but after my mom had a stroke right before her 94^th birthday, things took a turn. I found myself in a position of responsibility that I did not want and I am struggling to find a way to be okay without a sense of anger or resentment.

My mother lost a lot of her cognitive skills with the stroke and now lives in a memory care facility. Understandably, she doesn’t want to live anymore. With each conversation we have she goes through the same rotation of complaints, woes, problems and death wishes. It’s driving me insane.

From a purely physical perspective, I believe my mother has a way to go before death whisks her away to the blessed eternal sleep she longs for and I will be the one walking that journey with her, witnessing every remaining horrible, punishing moment that life plans to grind her into dust with.  

I do not share the same perspectives of the life and death process as my mother but I do know that it is not my place to judge her for the path she has chosen. I cannot change her mind, or how she feels about what’s happened to her, or the fact that she comforts herself in the arms of misery.

It’s not that I didn’t try to help ease her mental anguish, but one needs to know when to let go and respect a choice we don’t particularly like. The challenge I now face is how to support her without suffering myself.

Witnessing a loved one struggle with their own sense of suffering is possibly the biggest challenge for me and other family members to confront. I don’t know how to be at peace or in a state of calm acceptance without trying or wanting to fix things or make things better.

I made the choice to accept the responsibility of being the POA and my mother has made the choice of how she will handle her end-of-life process. We both made choices and now we learn how to live and adjust to those choices.

In my contemplation, I asked myself a simple question:  Is she really suffering or is she merely struggling, and is what I perceive as misery actually just her process of working it out in her own way? Maybe this is necessary for her to learn something important and there’s no need to feel bad for her.

I remember a funny saying from my study of spiritual teachings – ‘if you ain’t struggling you ain’t living.’  Meaning, all humans live and learn through struggle, challenge and pain for a reason. But as Buddha pointed out, the choice to suffer is optional.  

The idea that our struggle and pain take us somewhere constructive is hard to embrace but I cannot deny its effectiveness.

Looking back at my process through this experience I can see my own growth.

For example, I was in the habit of making quick choices and decisions to get the responsibilities off my plate as quickly as possible. This strategy worked well for me in the past so I didn’t question it.

However, in this scenario, quick decisions didn’t work very well and actually ended up creating more issues in some cases. In a desperate attempt to make my life easier, I began to adapt by looking for a better way to do things.

In a short period of time, I became more thoughtful in my approach.  I did more research and due diligence by getting more data and opinions. I stopped allowing the pressure of the moment to dictate my actions. I waited until I had a fuller understanding of the options and consequences of my decisions.

As much as I did not want the added responsibility of being someone’s POA, I have become more confident in myself and my ability to perform under pressure, to do things I’ve never done before and to know that I did the best that I could without feeling like a liar.

I am changing myself and my perspective by making the effort to look at the positive things this situation has given me and it has balanced out my sense of overwhelming obligation, which was another avenue to my own sense of suffering.

Wisdom cannot happen until we get to the other side of our experiences and sometimes those experiences are difficult but knowing ahead of time that we will get something of value can help us look with eyes of compassion (not pity) at those who are struggling or suffering through a hard situation.

I don’t think that watching another living being hurt or struggling is ever going to be easy for me but it helps immensely for me to understand that they are learning and getting something of value in return.